and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
