Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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