Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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