Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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