your parents love me but you hate me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
