so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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