Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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