i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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