Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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