i wish my penis had a tongue
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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