On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
