Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
