I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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