Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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