Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
