Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
