I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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