she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
3 2 1 whiskey
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
