it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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