listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
