I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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