But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
