Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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