is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
