If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
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