Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
