On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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