I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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