standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
