Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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