Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
