Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just gargled with NyQuil
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