I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
