Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
