Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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