from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize