Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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