Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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