i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
