I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
