My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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