She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
