You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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