i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
well most of my day revolves around power hour
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
