i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This is the prime rib incident all over again
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
