sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
