Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
