When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize