i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
third nipple confirmed
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
