Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
