My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
