She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
