Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
