Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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