i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize