i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
