If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
