So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Operation Purity has been aborted
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
