My liver just broke up with me...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
