I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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