This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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