i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
