I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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