Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
im holly from the hills drunk
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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