I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
